More on the last text post for those you care to know. I am pretty callus to death. I know that sounds horrible but I have seen a lot of it and in order to protect myself from it I kind of shut down towards it. I care if someone dies and it hurts but I don’t show it on the outside. I remember one time a great mentor of mine died and we were sitting at the wake and someone turned to me and accused me of being heartless because I wasn’t crying. But I also grew up being told crying was a sign of weakness. So I don’t cry. I will feel my body crying and I will feel my sadness but tears rarely come out when I am really sad. They come out when I laugh or when the sadness isn’t too bad. But major sadness like death I don’t cry. I’ve always been the strong one. This relates to my last post because the day I found out my Mamaw died I curled up on my bed and cried for hours. We had company over and it was my mom’s birthday but I didn’t care I let my pain out. My 60 year old grandmother, the person I was closest to in the world, was dead. Now I’ve had many deaths before and since her but she’s the only one I lost it over. Her birthday was just a couple weeks ago. I miss her so much. She taught me so many things. She was always honest with me and supportive. But she also never let me get away with anything. She knew I was strong but she let me be weak too. 

A plead to those who read this. Please, never smoke and/or drink. It destroys you. Especially smoking and even more when you combine the two. My Mamaw died at age 60 of COPD and Emphysema. She had been sick for as long as I can remember. Smoking is not worth it. AT ALL. There is so much she has missed that I know she would have loved to be here for. She would have just turned 64.